They reveal everything about their married life to them, and answer every personal, inquisitive question thrown their way. All of them, with the exception of one who is a new bride, have been married for 2 years or more. In some cases nuclear family is the only option. You say you have 3 younger brothers and 1 sister who live with or close to your family….I assume your “family” you mean your mothers house. I was working women before getting married and I wanted to continue my career. I mean really that sums up your attitude does it not? That being said, however, and since we all are human, I know that if I were in your position, I would also be struggling to remain positive in this situation. All her nagging and ill treatments have forced me to keep distance from her now. I cannot do anything unless my children are watching a favorite cartoon DVD or program in front of the TV, completely riveted!”. We sometimes has our issues, but I never said anything I chose to be the bigger person and let it go, summing it up to be not worth it. This is an obligation dictated by their close ties of kinship.””. The day of my escape was the most liberating day of my life, I planned it like a millitary expedition, drew maps, plotted three different routes for exit, I did whatever it took to get out of that situation, I made my peace with the fact that I won’t have a family but I would be able to see myself int the mirror. Parents love their children and wish to see them eternally happy and blessed. I do agree that the fact that the husband did not make more of an effort to consummate the marriage in the early days i.e. Never be rude or overly firm with your parents in terms of speaking. Just as a favorite garment becomes softer and more comfortable over time, a spouse becomes the single, solid, supporting rock to which one clings during life’s intermittent upheavals and ‘storms’. I know of middle-aged, married women with grown-up children, who spend the better part of their day away from their own homes, taking care of a sick parent. When I … As for my husband’s views on the matter, I wish you could ask him yourself in person, what he thinks about life in a joint family, especially based on his own experience of living in it with a wife and child. Just that am i a gunnah gar for not keeping with her, which she has forced me to do. Living with parents often acts as a burden to many couples in this aspect. At the end of the day, though, we just need to open our minds and take a look around to see that, when someone needs care, – be they young or old – the extended family system in Muslim societies, more often than not, eagerly chips in to do the needful. I have live abroad all my life. The logic she says is that she is guest and one day she will be go away to another home. My sympathies are with you. could you please tell me if I should give up wearing a head scarf while at home ? The struggle is only temporary, inshAllah with time the parents in law will give the new bride her status. But she should also look to where she lives, I think, her family and their support and what is her plan after the divorce if she goes that route. November 15, 2017. The fact is, that most 50-something elders nowadays are masha’Allah quite physically active, healthy and themselves the biggest protagonists of the acquisition of higher education and better career prospects in other countries, for their offspring. It takes a lot of inner strength to go against this because the alternative is being cut off from family, that’s what it takes to reclain your life from this toxic environment. I moved to Canada 3 years after our engagement and live in Canada since then. It is highly unfair to use Islam when it suits us otherwise our lives are devoid of the concepts of the religion which we claim to follow. Jazak Allah khair for your comment, once again. 2) The husbands parents say that the husband is blameworthy because he agreed to the marriage and signed the contract. Islam … The above article written by me was submitted for publishing. I believe she was driven by insecurity, need to maintain dominance and show off infront of her family. As for faskh, it is annulment of the marriage contract and dissolution of the marital bond completely, as if it never happened, and this can only be done by means of the verdict of a qaadi (judge) or a shar‘i ruling. Please click here for more details. What does Islam say about marriage? But generally, I would consider being economically supported by your parents after marriage, or even being so emotionally attached to them that you must continue living with them, a negative thing. There was no intimacy at all. And yes, you’re right, may Allah make us among those parents whose children, decades later, take them as the correct Islamic role-models, instead of getting spurned off by their culture-endorsed domestic injustices. This is regarding the enmeshed relationship between the mother and son, even when the latter is married. The separate quarters can also be in the same gated compound, or occupy different floors of the same residence. He provides from unknown means and sources: وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا, “And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. Culture seems to be the problem here, people are so caught up in it that it infringes upon their God-given rights. Even more sadly, they lean on their parents financially too, unabashedly taking money from Abba Jaan (Dad)whenever a shortage occurs, or a debt or expense has to be met. when we grow up our parents teach us to be respectful to elders, that part implies on all. After all she is his mother . I love him ALot and I want to see him always happy.. A common method was to tell me of something that my father or elder brother had done to her. It is a highly ironic situation, isn’t it? (These) three times are of privacy for you; other than these times there is no sin on you or on them to move about, attending to each other. I do agree that in Muslim marriage, if istikharah is done before finalizing it, mutual love and compatibility between a husband and wife develops as a gift from Allah and as a result of sincere and constant effort put into the relationship by both spouses as well as their families. Had to arrange it this way n u can very well know why. There was no direct control, nobody pointed a gun to my head and told me what to do, it was manipulation of the overt kind. The fatwa team under Sheikh Salih Al-Munajjid warns: “The mother whose daughter has got married should realize that it is not permissible for her daughter to give precedence to obeying her mother over obeying her husband. She was sometimes cooped up by herself with her own distractions. Soha Naveed ... Islam guides the Muslims to spend less on the marriage ... dining out and being independent. Regards! Very good article Sister……..There is a big problem in societies (Islamic and even non-Islamic) with this particular issue within marriage. We really have to understand the role and rights that Allah enjoined and be more focused that we fulfill those rights which belong to Allah. I cant leave my parents and I love my wife too and I Dont want to leave her too? But there were factors for our happiness, that may not be there for everyone: – I was an only child, so there was no interference from my family. Unlike commuter couples, people who choose living apart together just don't want to share a space. -->After that, my parents totally disagreed to do my marriage their. You see nothing was ever done to me directly, direct control is too easy to figure out, manipulation is much more toxic as you are always guilty and confused although you are not at fault. What a _____ girl!” In addition, the parents or others who are asked to help in a marital dispute, might go around spreading the problems between this husband and wife to others as gossip, and this maligns the honor/”izzah” of the couple for a long time to come (because people do not forget such “juicy” details of marital discord, rather, they enjoy hearing and spreading such stories). Yes, the answers to all your questions are in the negative. I (and my views about the joint family system) are actually not very popular among those people from the older generation who read my blog posts (and perhaps also among some from the younger generation, especially those pampered daughters who aren’t happy in their husbands’ homes and are always waiting to run off to live at their parents’ home — they really dislike my opinions. With regard to your serving them and doing housework, you are not obliged to do that, but if you do it as an act of kindness towards them, or to please your husband, that will be good and you will have the reward for that in sha Allah. How Can Reverts Increase in Love for The Prophet ﷺ? Allowing him to dwell independently with his new family in the initial, formative years of his marital union, allowing the pair to gel and become close, should not cause any detriment to their rights upon him. a married son’s mother might insist on keeping his entire salary with herself as soon as he brings it home, and command him and his wife to take any money from it only by asking her first. What I would suggest is that she needs to gain her husband’s love, trust and respect.. make him fall in love with her! *Sigh*….the joint family system – again. Is he blameworthy, or is his apprehension justified? Thank you for giving a detailed response. In my view you should be advising women to maintain the relations with their in-laws and convincing their husbands of the Islamic merits of living separately. My father was a angry man through out my life, he used to smother me with small talks and fully cooperate with my mother to support her insidous, toxic thinking. I don’t burden them with any thing. And that is rather the point isn’t it? Here is the feedback of an experienced, older sister whose counsel was sought in this case, and which clinched the editor’s decision not to publish this article: I have lived happily in a joint family and I’m not saying this for effect, I think I was especially blessed to have parents-in-law who treated me like real parents and brothers-in-law who were like the brothers I never had. She used to manipulate my brothers to ‘engage’ me, to keep my mind busy so I don’t get time to process what she is doing to me. Sister, please have a talk with your husband about this. I have asked my husband to take me to psychiatrist. Divorced women also face a lot of #$#$% in our society! Thanks for your comment!Usually married couples need to live with the husband’s parents for the first few years. You made the choice to go to Canada and make a good life with you and your wife and you have many advantages and even good relationship with your wife family. The best way to maintain emotionally close bonds, yet not compromise on everyone’s personal privacy and freedom of choice, is to live in separate accommodations that are physically close together, viz. The only reason he is not moving out is that it would be difficult to support two homes. We shouldn’t place a burden upon others that we could not bare. I am now considering a divorce. I would like to point out that, in my opinion, nowadays, the middle generation benefits the most from this system. All of this happens because he failed to be “man” enough to provide for his wife the way he should in Islam. Very well replied Sr. Sadaf, though I doubt men can ever understand the inherent nature of women. Ironically, that made her stronger; she learnt to handle her problems on her own (unless they were too serious in nature), and eventually became emotionally independent from her parents, bonding with her husband and his family. This, over time, might make them believe that whatever they are thinking or doing is right, especially if they do not fear of Allah in their dealings with people and habitually indulge in some wrong actions e.g. I also personally know friends who have had to relocate to either remote, suburban towns, or bustling, metropolitan cities; either they moved into tiny one-bedroom apartments, or spacious double-storied houses with swimming pools, to live alone with their husbands. So be it.). You write clearly and without emotion. The list will not end but I think, I have made my point. Parents, for example, do not possess the Islamic right to dictate every trivial matter to their married, adult son or daughter. 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